southern california grown with a habit of finding trouble. searching for my niche in this big, wide world.
you know, sometimes it’s so easy to blame others.
"i can’t believe you did that! how could you?"
ever hear that saying ‘remember when you’re pointing at someone, you have three fingers pointing right back at you.’
holy shit is that true. I’ve realized, and I’m honestly embarrassed it took me 22 fucking years, how true that saying is. I had something really good going for me.. granted I jumped the gun just a little when it came to the end of the night last week, but I have ‘live without regret’ tattooed on my side… so i figured, like all of my other experiences that had resulted from ‘just going with it,’ this could be one for the books.
but I was tainted and blinded by my past to truly see what I had in front of me. god forbid I actually meet another decent human being who is genuine. I was so quick to cast this new person in my life as the newest villain… i couldn’t see that i was the author of my own drama. just escaping a relationship that was equivalent to a reality TV show, i couldn’t see that my optimism had been turned into pessimism. I really told myself the other day that I was completely over him, but I was so foolish to see how I had altered myself in result of “moving on.”
I am not a cynic. nor am I someone who wallows in self pity. I was moving on, to bigger and better things! ready to take the world on, but with the idea I had to conquer, rather than just coexist.
so i met someone new. someone more than i ever imagined. things moved quickly, but anyone who knows me, knows i have no patience for anything that i want. bad habit, i know. things got a little sour, and words were put out in the air that would normally never have been uttered. blah blah blah.. not boring you with the deals.
BUT.. as a result of all of this.. I learned something!! (I know, holy crap, it took you long enough.) i sat with a newly made friend and recanted the entire night. I played the “offended good girl” card.. and she did not accept it. I was so defensive of myself and she checked me.
"you really think you were being as innocent as you say you were?"
no. “I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”
"no, i swear."
"liar! admit it! you were wrong to not accept that apology. you owe him an apology, you’re just being stubborn. switch your perspective."
damn. hard reality check. fuck, I am an asshole. I am THE asshole.
"your actions are what people are going to judge you on, whether you like it or not. so, go back and imagine watching yourself from a third person perspective. what would your opinion of yourself be?"
she was so right, and I was so wrong.
I waited though, just to see what was going to happen.
surprise! nothing happened. fuck.
so, i swallowed my pride, said the words i hate the most “I was wrong.”
hahaha. and you know those are everyone’s least favorite words.
and guess what? they accepted it.. water under the bridge! i have no clue what the future holds, but I’m glad it won’t be clouded by the past events that do not reflect who either of us are.
hmm… someone is feeling optimistic again :)
thanks Kelly, i really appreciate it all!
that’s enough for now. goodnight world.
Carl Sagan (via quotes-shape-us)
Maya Angelou (via realizes)